St. Dizier to Mulhouse (162 miles)

What happens when you upset a formidable fraulein? Answer - she growls. My first taste of mountain life and she's not happy. I've headed towards the German/Swiss border - towards the Rhine. The Vosges is a taster of what is to come. Mountainous but not the Alps. I was heading for the Grand Ballon via the "des Cretes" route. Day started differently. No more motorways. Just rural France with the shuttered windows, farm traffic and the old men - always watching. The morning dew was so heavy the sun couldn't budge it. Felt like I was travelling in the cloud line. Bright sun followed by thick wet fog followed by bright sun punctuated by excellent coffee. On hitting the mountains I selected sport mode, gritted my teeth & dug in. As I ascended, I had the first taste of the Germanic growl. A 90 degree corner, brake, drop a gear, accelerate. "GRRRRRRRRRRR - you're slow pig dog Englander!” Next take a 180 degree hairpin in 2nd and hit the throttle. "GRRRRRRRR - where's ya balls!" shouts angry fraulein & proceeds to nearly tear my arms off. My rodeo ride is made complete by spectacular landscapes - the road spirals through dark canopies to mountain top ski lifts in bright sunshine to beautifully secluded lakes. . Downhill was even more fun. Note to diary -when dealing with angry frauleins don't try and stop them. Now at hotel. Arriving just after me was a Scottish group. What did they arrive in? A Magnum style Ferrari, an old skool Mini Cooper & a 1.8GLX Ford Sierra. True Scots.

Oakamoor to St Dizier (352 miles)

There's something very satisfying about carving through lines of commuter traffic en route (note the french) to pastures new. We all know the British love a queue but this is ridiculous - M1 northbound crash (two spikey haired gob shites in hatchback shitemobiles squaring off) but I'm travelling south - what is this a cicrus? A14/ M11 junction static.I filter through. Blonde in convertible Merecedes thinks I'm above all this....don't know what the question is but the answer is change lanes - & now.I breathed in. Hail Mary I'm through. So many angry people & nobheads no wonder we won the war - my mistake that was the amercians. Arrive at the tunnel in plenty of time. Guy on new Triumph Explorer with every conceivable extra on arrives shortly after (even a bleedin' heated seat). "Are you sure you've spent enough on that bike ?" Its a company bike and I'm off to the boat show in St.Tropaz." Right. When travelling though northern France do you think about CAP? The Common Agiculural Policy is paid for by all EU countries but some benefit more than others. From the road, northern France is an extremely tidy agricultural desert. Big fields, big machines, bid subsides. Still the roads are good. My german fraulein enjoys it but needs reigning in a bit. Do you like german women ? If you do, you'll like this bike. A bit odd looking but capable of superhuman powers (Steffi Graff?). I currently have a bad back from lifting said fraulein onto her main stand. Formidable, scary at times and heavier than you think. Yes, I could take this analogy further.

Oakamoor

What to do when you've just bought a large lump of germanic engineering off EBay (a BMW K1200R) and have a (sort of ..) pass to leave the spreadsheets & mowing duties aside. Obviously you head to the Glossglockner. Preparations have been a bit patchy but good news is the bike's packed, tunnel booked & this morning's hangover feels a long time ago. Even the nagging doubts about what you've forgotten are starting - always a healthy sign. Need to be at Folkestone for 11.50AM tomorrow. No problem. Its only Monday morning at rush hour on the M25. Shoud be a breeze. Now time for a pint.